If you want to know how to nearly break your collar bone just in time for Christmas, this is what you do: go to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. Make sure to get stuck behind that family who’s meandering at a snail’s pace and clogging up the entire width of the hallway or it won’t work. When a polite “excuse me” doesn’t capture their attention, that’s when you must break all the rules of polite walking and heel-gate. This almost always yields results because it’s an assault to personal space. When one family member – teenager, say – finally gets nervous and starts edging off to the side, you must be prepared to move swiftly, in order seize the “passing” opportunity. However, you must also be prepared to deal with fall-out, you know, in the event that the nervous teen decides to stop dead in their tracks to crouch down to tie their shoes, forcing you to recall how to hurdle, and the fact that you were never a great hurdler to begin with.
(Originally posted December 11, 2011)