The Test

You know when you get on the streetcar, just stupidly tired, and the woman next to you starts doing a flirty, pre-officially-dating phone interview with the boyfriend-to-be and you suddenly feel a) is this for real? and b) really anxious on the dude’s behalf because she’s seriously going through a list of questions that he needs to nail before he gets the go-ahead, including: “I’m seriously like two handfuls, so how do you think you’ll be able to handle me?” And my personal favourite: “Why do you want ME? No, why do you want ME?” To which the dude clearly makes a reference to sex (kudos to him, I think, for being honest) and then she poses the toughest question of all: “But after you get a taste of the honey, what’s to keep you coming back?” Bravo, young lady. Bravo. Who knew the road to officialdom could be so businesslike and efficient.
(Originally posted February 7, 2012 on Facebook)

S’not Right

To the sidewalk menace who felt the need to express snot onto the sidewalk while he was walking past me, I move to have you banned from all city sidewalks and well, public areas in general. Kleenex was invented for a reason. A good ol’ fashioned sniffle works too if you need to bide your time. Hell, a sleeve wipe would have been more acceptable. Barring those options, go find a nice quiet alleyway or side street nowhere near your fellow pedestrians and have at it. Firing snot at passersby goes against the code of the sidewalk and well, pretty much every kind of etiquette in existence. I hate to make a judgement call on what type of person you are based on the nice suit, shoes and briefcase you were wearing, but you at least looked educated enough to know better.
(Originally posted January 26, 2012 on Facebook)

Wacky Tabacky

You know when you get on the streetcar and all you can smell is the person somewhere in your immediate vicinity who reeks so badly of weed, you’re almost certain you’re gonna get off twenty minutes later with a cheap high, so you switch, temporarily, to mouth-breathing (to avoid the stench more than anything), only to discover a little while later – after a test sniff – that you’re suddenly ravenous and some bastard somewhere on the streetcar is holding a box of fresh pizza that you’re considering following the scent to and stealing? Welcome to my Friday night ride home. *No bastards with pizza were harmed in the making of this vignette… so far as I know.*  ;p

 

(Originally posted January 20, 2012  on Facebook)

150 Proof Lurch

You know it’s gonna be an interesting streetcar ride when a tall, willowy, white-haired, fedora-clad lady of indeterminate age (maybe late sixties, early seventies, maybe not) gets on and slurs to the dude (wearing headphones) in the seat beside me, “would you mind if I took a lap on your seat?” and gives a very suggestive wink and chuckle before lurching toward me – her poor streetcar legs further impaired by the fact that her heart was pumping 150 proof alcohol instead of blood, if smell was anything to go by – mashing my foot in the process (made worse because she had to stop to consider what that squirming lump was under her foot). She was very apologetic, in that special way only a drunk can be, trying to include me in her profound happiness and whispering her apology conspiratorally in my right ear. While I was by no means put out by the situation, I’m fairly certain my left-foot toes would’ve liked to trade places with my right ear, which I’m pretty sure was drunk. ;p
(Originally posted March 6th on Facebook)

The Dangers of Wearing Headphones

Sometimes it’s good to know the difference between retinitus and tinnitus. Dude on the streetcar who’s been in the music business for 20 years – says him! (he looked maybe 25) – apparently has the former from wearing headphones all the time. Did I mention he was half-baked (which might explain why his eyes apparently ring) and trying to impress a girl (she was as oblivious as he was)? Thanks, kid, I appreciate the laugh you gave me, which was no doubt your goal. ;p

Anger Management

You know when you walk out of the house and you see an older couple walking down the street and you think how cute, they still hold hands after all these years. Then when you catch up to them, you suddenly realize from the tone of their voices that they’re ridiculously pissed off at one another and barely able to contain their anger, and as you’re skirting around them, a giant argument erupts and suddenly you feel real awkward for being there to witness to it? Yeah, that happened.

(Originally posted October 22, 2011 on Facebook)

Le Twist

You know when you’re on the streetcar and you’re standing behind a woman and you find yourself envious of her naturally curly hair, and her nice pink sweater and she turns around and she’s got a goatee and is in fact male? Yeah, that happened.

(Originally posted 24, 2011 on Facebook)

Rain, Rain, Go Away…

You know when it’s raining out and everyone crams onto the streetcar all at once and you manage to wedge yourself into a spot in the accordion section with 25 other people only to discover there’s a leak in the seam of the accordion section right above your head? 25 minutes of chinese water torture is not for the faint of heart.

(Originally posted October 25, 2011 on Facebook)

Raging Body Odor

Almost didn’t live to tell the tale. Dude beside me, on the streetcar, thought he’d take his jacket off because he was hot. Little did we all know that the jacket was the only buffer between us and his personal stench that went beyond eye-wateringly bad B.O. It was so bad that, even having switched to mouth breathing, you felt like the inside of your mouth was coated in the smell. So gross…

(Originally posted November 8th, 2011 on Facebook)

Best Streetcar Driver Ever

Had my favourite streetcar driver this evening. His running commentary on what’s happening outside the streetcar is priceless – from traffic and weather updates to what people’s pets are thinking as they walk along the sidewalk. Also, the timely comment about going to the dentist was not lost on me. ;p Thanks for making what could have been a dreary ride home fun.

(Originally posted November 9th, 2011 on Facebook)